The dreaded M word

February 16
I had my 8 week ultrasound appointment this morning. I have done this 2 times before so I know the drill. Check in, pee in a cup, take clothes off from the waste down and recline on the table. The ultrasound technician pulls out her super long wandy thing which she lubes up and inserts into you know where. I see a black and white picture of my uterus on the tv screen mounted on the wall above me. I see a black oval shape which is the embryonic sac. I look for the kidney bean shape baby inside this sac and I see absolutely nothing. It is weird, there should be something there, but it is empty.

The technician explains one reason why we cant see a baby is because my dates could be off. I know my dates are not off because Kevin and I were trying super duper hard to conceive. I have each day we did the dead clearly marked on my calender. She left the room and I started to feel pretty darn sad and confused, where was the baby that was supposed to be in there? I was trying to hold it together.

My midwife, who delivered Scarlett, came in and I totally lost it. I asked her how there can be an empty sac? She explained that this is called a blighted ovum. What is a blighted ovum? This is where a sperm and egg join and form the sac soon to be the placenta but then fail to mature into a baby. It dies early on due to chromosomal abnormalities, but the sac continues to stay there making  HCG hormones which make you still feel pregnant.

One of the side effects of a blighted ovum is a decrease in pregnancy symptoms. All the pieces are starting to make sense. You see I have had two babies and felt pretty gross and nauseous with both of them. This time around I have been feeling amazing! I can eat anything, I can exercise daily, and I can still brush my tongue. I kept telling everyone how great I felt and how different it was than the first 2 times.

Leora explained how 20% - 30% of people have a miscarriage in their life and that we can try again in a couple months. I know all of this, but it doesn't make it easier when it happens to you. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday February 23rd at 9am and then the D&C is scheduled for 11am the same day. I cant wait for all of this to be over and for my body to get back to normal...

February 18th
Amazingly enough it seems my body is working well and I naturally miscarried today. It wasn't bad as I thought, nothing a couple IB Profrin couldn't handle. I hope this means I wont need the D&C, wouldn't that be great. I am not feeling as sad as I though I would, crazy how fast I seem to be adapting to now not being pregnant. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.  Leora, my midwife said something that stuck in my mind - Your body is working perfectly and it knows when something is wrong. I totally believe this.

February 19th
I feel really good today. Not to sound like a total Santa Cruz Hippie, but I think my body is just amazing. It did what it needed to do on its own and I feel it is doing a great job. I am excited for the next chapter of our journey and I feel even more thankful for my two beautiful and healthy girls. It is strange how a sad experience can make me appreciate how good I already have it.

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