Saturday, February 19, 2011

The dreaded M word

February 16
I had my 8 week ultrasound appointment this morning. I have done this 2 times before so I know the drill. Check in, pee in a cup, take clothes off from the waste down and recline on the table. The ultrasound technician pulls out her super long wandy thing which she lubes up and inserts into you know where. I see a black and white picture of my uterus on the tv screen mounted on the wall above me. I see a black oval shape which is the embryonic sac. I look for the kidney bean shape baby inside this sac and I see absolutely nothing. It is weird, there should be something there, but it is empty.

The technician explains one reason why we cant see a baby is because my dates could be off. I know my dates are not off because Kevin and I were trying super duper hard to conceive. I have each day we did the dead clearly marked on my calender. She left the room and I started to feel pretty darn sad and confused, where was the baby that was supposed to be in there? I was trying to hold it together.

My midwife, who delivered Scarlett, came in and I totally lost it. I asked her how there can be an empty sac? She explained that this is called a blighted ovum. What is a blighted ovum? This is where a sperm and egg join and form the sac soon to be the placenta but then fail to mature into a baby. It dies early on due to chromosomal abnormalities, but the sac continues to stay there making  HCG hormones which make you still feel pregnant.

One of the side effects of a blighted ovum is a decrease in pregnancy symptoms. All the pieces are starting to make sense. You see I have had two babies and felt pretty gross and nauseous with both of them. This time around I have been feeling amazing! I can eat anything, I can exercise daily, and I can still brush my tongue. I kept telling everyone how great I felt and how different it was than the first 2 times.

Leora explained how 20% - 30% of people have a miscarriage in their life and that we can try again in a couple months. I know all of this, but it doesn't make it easier when it happens to you. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday February 23rd at 9am and then the D&C is scheduled for 11am the same day. I cant wait for all of this to be over and for my body to get back to normal...

February 18th
Amazingly enough it seems my body is working well and I naturally miscarried today. It wasn't bad as I thought, nothing a couple IB Profrin couldn't handle. I hope this means I wont need the D&C, wouldn't that be great. I am not feeling as sad as I though I would, crazy how fast I seem to be adapting to now not being pregnant. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.  Leora, my midwife said something that stuck in my mind - Your body is working perfectly and it knows when something is wrong. I totally believe this.

February 19th
I feel really good today. Not to sound like a total Santa Cruz Hippie, but I think my body is just amazing. It did what it needed to do on its own and I feel it is doing a great job. I am excited for the next chapter of our journey and I feel even more thankful for my two beautiful and healthy girls. It is strange how a sad experience can make me appreciate how good I already have it.

6 comments:

  1. Popping in from BlogFrog and just wanted to say sorry about the miscarriage. Hoping the next time is fruitful and there is a baby in your future!

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  2. Sorry, not Blog Frog, Mom Bloggers Club!

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  3. I think this post would be helpful for all mothers who've miscarried because while you accept the sadness of the situation, you are also confident and proud of your body and what it can do. I'm so glad I stopped by. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story. I have miscarried myself and it can be very dificult. I think it is great that your body did what it needed to do and you didn't have to have a D&C, not fun! Your girls are beautiful, I'm glad you can enjoy them and look foward to the future! I'm glad I stopped by. I found you on MBC.

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  5. I'm so so sorry this happened to you! You seem to be cool about it, though, and of course you're right that it's also a great thing to know that you're body is working the way it should. That exact thing happened to me/us twice before we had little Vera. I was devastated the first time; it just hit me in the head like a big rock right there when we did our first ultra-sound. I don't think I thought it could happen to us, as if there were some kind of justice since it took us so long to become pregnant. And you know all the hormones were still making my body feel all pregnant even though the little one was dead in there. And then the kids were so sad, and that was almost worse. The second time it happened we hadn't told the kids yet, so they didn't know. The third time I got pregnant after having Estrid (almost eight years after) we waited as long as we possibly could to tell them. Estrid was the first to notice my boobs was getting bigger by the day but of course she didn't have a clue why, but then one day she said "you know you're really getting chubby, mom, are you sure you're not eating too much candy?" And then we were like four months pregnant and so I told them.

    Before I had the first miscarriage I think I didn't really think it could happen to me. Being pregnant then with Vera was the scariest but loveliest thing. For the longest time I dreaded even going to the bathroom out of fear of there being blood in my panties. And every day I got home from work I dropped everything on the floor and went upstairs to lay down on my bed and focus on feeling my baby fluttering. Of course you can't live like that for any length of time, but it was tough for a while.. happiness and fear are both such strong feelings. My midwife was a real sweet lady though, and she urged me to relax, enjoy and be happy. I kept her words with me as a mantra.

    I was really sad to read about what had happened to you, and I think of you and hope that next time will be different. // Lena

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  6. It is hard to have that happen. I love your Santa Cruz outlook on it, though. But of course, I was raised in Berkeley! I've lost three pregnancies and each one was hard for me. (((hugs))) I am a new follower of your wonderful blog :)

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