2 Minute Clusterfuck

4:10 pm:  We are in the back yard and it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, and Scarlett is sitting in my lap eating macaroni and cheese. Daisy is playing with a doggy toy. We are watching cute naked Willa playing in the water. It is one of those perfect moments.

4:11 pm: Willa is toddling toward the stairs and does the cutest pee. If you have never seen a naked baby pee, it's like a moment of discovery. Willa looks down and seems to say "Wow! look what I can do!"  Scarlett and I laugh, there is nothing cuter than naked babies taking a pee break. Then it happens! She does a big long poo! I grab Daisy because she cant resist poo. I tell Scarlett to run and get some baby wipes. As Willa is running into the house with poopy on her butt, I plead from across the yard for her to stop. All the while this long poo is hanging out of her butt swinging around.

Willa turns and books it up the stairs and drops the dooky on the deck. I chase after her with the dog in my arms, and see another chunk falling on the carpet as she runs inside the house. I put the dog in the kitchen which has a gate to keep her away from the ewey poo and wisk up Willa as she tried to sit her poopy booty on the carpet.

4:12 pm: All the while, Scalrett comes flying over the other baby gate with baby wipes in hand and the macaroni & cheese flies everywhere. I grab the wipes and clean the kaka off Willa's butt and grab the poo off the floor. I take a breath and notice Kevin left the other baby gate in the kitchen wide open.  This gate keeps the cat food safe. Shoot, I just locked Daisy in the Kitchen!  Daisy is happily chomping away on Fancy Feast. I jump over, grab the dog, too late the cat food is gone which means I get to clean up more runny poo later.

4:13 pm: Kevin walks in the house as I have a naked baby on my hip, mac & cheese all over the floor, poopy baby wipes and a dog with cat food breath.

Amazing how much can happen in 2 minutes!

Nanny 911

Back in the day when we used to have 1 and 2 kids, we would watch Nanny 911 and marvel at parents inabilities to raise well behaved, respectful children. I viewed parenting as black and white. When there is an unacceptable behavior, provide a consequence and always follow through. Easy as pie!

Fast forward to life with 3 kids and I am officially Nanny 911 material. On a typical day in my home you will find Willa our 1 year old sitting on the table, coloring on herself, or eating erasers off pencils.   She never has matching socks or unstained clothes, often avocado in her hair. Her favorite thing to do is grab the dog treats and share them with the dog, gross! You may think, put that shit up! She happens to be an excellent climber.

I am guilty of holding Willa whenever she wants, which is all the time. I have had people say "cant you put her down?"  No I cant, she will cry, heavens forbid.

When the kids are playing in the baby pool I have been known to bring out a bottle of soap and call it bath time. This is ingenious, 3 kids clean at the same time! When they complain about the dirt and grass floating in the pool, I say "deal with it."

Scarlett has a few daily freak-out  fits, yelling screaming things like "I know everything" or "I love daddy more than you" Back in the olden days I would have addressed each fit appropriately, warnings, followed by  a consequence, but I'm just too tired and have too much to do. Positive parenting is for parents who are way cooler and more rested than I am.  I cant believe how much I let her get away with, she walks all over me. I have been guilty of warning "If you do that, no TV for the rest of the day"   20 minutes later she has turned on  the TV and is parked on the couch.  I figure, at least she is quiet.

I often will be out and about with the kids and notice no one but me is wearing shoes and wonder, did anyone brush their teeth today?  Then I notice the rats nest in Scarlett's hair and cant remember the last time I untangled those unruly curls.

Ava is the only one that actually does what she is supposed to you, we did all our awesome parenting on her and then ran out of juice as the years went by.  Sometimes I look at my life and just have to laugh at the craziness of it all.  I wonder how in the hell did my organized, tight ship turn into a crazy episode of Nanny 911?

Hiding in the dark

Scarlett is a what many would call a "spirited" child full of piss and vinegar. She makes an art of having a fit and has truly perfected it.

You never know what will set her off or more like what wont set her off.  There is no avoiding it, she is like Old Faithful, she cant help but erupt at regular intervals.

I have developed many coping mechanisms to deal with this. My old standby is just telling saying goodnight and heading to bed to let Kevin deal with it. Sometimes I hide in the backyard. Tonight I hid in the corner of the dark kitchen and it worked!

Oh Shit here she comes I gotta run and hide!

4th child = Crazy Mamma

At the end of the day I look at my family and love them. I kiss my sleeping children in their beds and feel so lucky. I think about a 4th child and it sounds like a great idea. I feel sad when I think I will never have another baby.

In the morning I am exhausted from nursing all night. I rush to get everyone to school, breakfast, pack lunches, break up fights, try to squeeze in my work and realize this is such a ridiculous notion.

 I'm sure once my husband reads this he will punch himself in the balls...

Raccoons will eat your face off!

Scarlett mostly sleeps through the night but every blue moon she wakes up and gets freaky. Last night she woke up angry and yelling. I tried to calm her down which just made her get louder. She was crying, kicking and thrashing in her bed.

I then realize the raccoons are in the house so I go shoo them out. They come in through the cat door and reek havoc in the kitchen. I return and Scarlett is still wailing away and I tell her to be quiet or they will come in her room. My scare tactic backfired causing her to cry even louder. She thought I was bluffing. What did I do? I went and took a picture of the raccoon, showed it to her and said "If you don't stop crying the raccoons will come and eat your face off."  I know, totally below the belt.

She looked real sad and said "Mommy I want to tell you something, I heard a witch in the bathroom saying "HaHaHaHa" Then I felt really bad. I explained to her its not a witch but our annoying neighbor across the street who has a super loud, drunk ass laugh. He actually sounds allot like a witch. She thought that was funny and calmed down.

I told her I made it up and the raccoons only eat cat food and stuff in the kitchen, they wont come in her room.  Boy did I feel like a meany!

Gina Strawberry

We were eating strawberries and Scarlett found one that was shaped like a vagina. She saved her special "gina" berry and Ava ate it. Scalett began to cry hysterically that Ava ate her vagina! You would think someone ate all her candy by the way she carried on and on about her special vagina strawberry.

 I was able to find one that looked like a butt to replace the gina and she calmed down.

Scarlett then picked up a blackberry and proudly showed me how the top end looks like a butt hole. She then began searching the blackberries to show me all the little butt holes.

Scarlett Amazes Me...

I was laying in bed in the early morning hour and I heard Scarlett wandering around the house. I pretended to be asleep hoping she would just crawl into bed and not wake us up.  She never did and I fell back asleep.

When Kevin got up a bit later I asked him if Scarlett was awake. He found her sleeping soundly in her bed. I figured I dreamed it.

When Scarlett awoke she came and told me she found a dead rat in her bed and she cleaned it up. I asked her to show me where she put it. I honestly thought she was making up a story or had a weird dream. She took me to the hamper and showed me a yucky hairball  wrapped in a washcloth. She said it was on her bed so she cleaned it up.

My little 3 year old, woke up, got a washcloth, cleaned up a gross cat puke and then went back to bed. I was shocked!

She is the most stubborn "do it myself" kind of girl, which at times drives me nuts. She is also so capable and never ceases to amaze me with her clever wit and determination.